The Bone Zone: Skulduggery X Wreath
by Optimus Prime Wilberforce
Summary: alice dont kill me
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Two sides of the same coin

Solomon Wreath hated the skeleton detective. It was just a fact of life that everyone just accepted. Wreath and Skulduggery Pleasant often crossed paths on a near weekly basis due to Pleasant's magical family-friendly escapades with his edgy teenage partner, Valkyrie Cain. Wreath had tried desperately to withhold his inner desire to punch his obnoxious bony face into oblivion, mostly for Valkyrie's sake, and knew that Pleasant felt the same way. It was strange... it was like their hatred somehow... compelled them- like magnets. Maybe that was why Wreath found himself sitting at arms length away from him on his sofa. Or maybe it was because he was a necromancer. Necromancers liked dead things.

And Skulduggery was the deadest thing Wreath knew.

They were just staring at each other, face to skull, neither uttering a word. The tension was thick. Really thick. Like phallic imagery thick. And then they started kissing. The two were locked in a furious exchange of sloppy kissing noises and the occasional grunt. Since Skulduggery had no tongue, or lips, or body, the making out consisted of Wreath intricately licking the skeleton's teeth. He then started tonguing his sexy, gaping eye sockets, before bringing it back down to his rugged jawline.

Skulduggery broke the kiss and looked longingly at the dark haired man in his arms, Wreath's saliva running from his soulless eye sockets resembling tears of ecstasy.

"I love you, Solomon"

"I love you, too, Skulduggery" whispered Wreath.

"Please," started Skulduggery. "Call me Skuluggy"

"Fuck me Skuluggy"

Skuluggy then proceeded to unbutton Wreath's black coat. Likewise, Wreath tossed his trilby to the armchair in the far left and undid his striped blue tie. By the time he made it down to Skulduggery's trousers Wreath had already been stripped down to his black pirate boxers.

"Nice pants," commented Skulduggery. "Like mine?"

The skeleton detective ripped off his trousers to reveal a kinky leather thong, which was promptly removed by Wreath's teeth. He then proceeded to weave his tongue in and out of his pelvis, and Skulduggery groaned in pleasure. Wreath continued along the back of his legs and began sucking off his tailbone. The unusual shape and texture of his coccyx felt good in his mouth, and reminded him of a toy he had purchased from Bad Dragon. Skulduggery returned the gesture by picking up Wreath and pushing him back onto the sofa. A bony hand snaked into the necromancer's pants and found his paenus. The long, skinless fingers began working his shaft and firmly grasped his balls. Wreath writhed under his beloved Skuluggy's clutches, unable to escape from his calcium-infused prison of love. His hands began to quicken in pace. Ever so slowly, Skulduggery plunged his index finger into Wreath's dickhole. The necromancer couldn't contain himself any longer and cum spurted like a fountain and lathered the two and all nearby furniture in Wreath's creamy love butter.

Wreath threw his head back onto the skeleton's shoulder and moaned. "Sorry about the mess,"

"Don't worry about it," sighed Skulduggery, pecking Wreath's cheek. "Now bend over. That ass needs seeing too."

He obeyed and got on all fours. Skulduggery's hand rose and came down hard on Wreath's meaty, voluptuous booty. He whimpered in exhilaration. Skulduggery slapped his ass a few more times before Wreath turned and said to him:

"Skuluggy, I want you inside me"

"Okay," said skulduggery, before climbing into Wreath's ass.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Confessions of a literal walking pun

"Valkyrie, we need to talk"

Skulduggery sat sternly, leaning forward across from her on the sofa. Wreath stood close by.

"Uh, oh" Valkyrie replied. "This can't be good."

The skeleton detective sighed and twiddled his thumbs. "Listen, Val. We've been partners for a good while now, and it's safe to say, you're one of my closest and dearest friends. You mean a lot to me. I mean it."

"How many?"

"What?"

"How many casualties?"

Skulduggery straightened in his seat. "Excuse me- what?"

"Oh my god, did you kill Fletcher?!"

"Valkyrie! I didn't kill anyone!"

"Then why'd you call me over?! Why's Wreath here? You obviously killed SOMEONE"

"Because- because we're a couple!"

The young edgeling slid back into the armchair, dumbfounded and in utter shock. "Oh,"

"Yeah." Skulduggery removed his hat. Wreath joined Skulduggery on the sofa and gave him a look like _"I'm glad that's over with because there's no fucking way I was doing that"_.

Valkyrie couldn't believe what she was hearing. Solomon Wreath? _And_ Skulduggery Pleasant? _An item!?_ She knew that they tried to tolerate each other whenever she was around, but to go full homo? It sounded ridiculous. Her mind was imploding so hard that she kicked herself just to check if judgement day hadn't befallen humanity. Nope, this was real. This was happening. Bollocks.

"But you hate each other!"

"Yup, sorta"

"But you HATE each other! You despise each other! Skulduggery, every time you see him you try to kill him!"

She just sat there with her jaw wide open. Flabbergasted, she tried to say "How long?", but no words escaped her mouth.

Like the sassy mother goose he was, Skulduggery knew what she had meant.

"About 3-4 weeks" he started. "We were holding off on telling you. We didn't know how you'd react."

Valkyrie splayed her hand on her chest, obviously offended. "Yeah- not gonna lie it's quite a shock. But you know I love you for you, you beautiful, sarcastic abomination." She didn't know for sure, but she could tell Skulduggery was beaming at her. Then she turned to Wreath.

"You too, asshole"

Wreath rolled his eyes and scoffed, and then put his hand on Skulduggery's lap. For a few seconds, warm smiles silenced the room.

"Have you told anyone else?" asked Valkyrie.

"Not a soul."

"Oh my god, what is Tanith going to say when I tell her?!"

Skulduggery didn't give her time to come up with an answer. " _We_ will tell Tanith and the others in due time. But only when we're ready."

Wreath nodded. "So we need you to keep this to yourself, for the time being."

"Awwww..." Valkyrie groaned. She hated keeping secrets from her friends.

"Fine. But only on one condition."

Wreath and Skulduggery looked at each other in unison before turning back to her. "What is it?"

She grinned. "On the condition that I get to be your best man at the wedding."  
_

After what seemed like hours of Valkyrie planning seemingly everything for Wreath and Skulduggery's inevitable wedding day, she finally left. The couple waved her goodbye and then collapsed on the sofa.

"Now THAT was an ordeal" sighed Wreath.

"Tell me about it" he laughed. "She defiantly has a screw loose, but she's a good egg."

"Hey, Skulduggery- it's been a while. Do you wanna fuck?"

"Spook spook" cried Skulduggery as he curled up into a ball like sanic and flew into Wreath's asshole.


End file.
